Obama to colonize Mars

Here's looking at you kid!

Many have speculated what one of the youngest and most alive US  presidents, who is set to finish his second and final(?) term in a few short months,will do with the probably lengthy remainder of their life. Well, the President has made his intentions clear. President Obama, his NASA certified wife, and two, then, cryogenically frozen daughters, along with 500 astronauts, scientists,soldiers, engineers, "breeders", and one corporate shill trying to make money off of Xenomorphs, all of whom have already elected Obama as their King, and ipso facto, the King of Mars, will blast off! Capable of levying Martian taxes, and signing treaties with the Lobster Men of Olympus Mon, and or any space Nazis or Communists they might discover, as well as evolved space ape colonies, The Obama will decide, but with this great power the responsibility for protecting his subjects from any and all form of monstrosity, will falls upon his gawky shoulders, no matter how much he wants to sign a lopsided treaty with them.

As the Obama grows old, he will bond the two rival factions with his cryogenically preserved daughters, who have been taught "The Legacy"

From Obama city, built from the collapsed lava tubes of Arsia Mons, Obama will seek to live the simple life, farming algae,  harvesting water from glaciers, creating fertilizer from human excrement, and forgetting all those earth problems he probably had a hand in creating. Putin, Trump, Clinton, the fate of the ACA, "Fast an the Furious" etc. etc. Those are earth problems for earth people, or as The Obama will pejoratively refer to them, " a bunch of  Goldilocks", who need to "quit their whining". He also occasionally makes brief cryptic transmissions whose purpose is unknown, but some believe he is trying to egg on Iran and Russia, and play into their paranoia, thus precipitating a world war, which would make Obama's Mars colony the torch barer of human civilization. If this comes to pass, it is believed he will then grow a second head, as he feels the only one worth talking to/listening to, is himself and run for the Presidency of the Galaxy. 

"Comey is a Commie!"

Breaking News- According to the DNC and HRC Campaign, based on FBI director Comey covering his ass in a politically charged situation, he is a left of Lenin, kill you in the snow, communist, the head of a communist conspiracy in America, a homosexual (not that there is anything wrong with that, unless it is with Putin) confidant of Putin and his man harem, and a collaborator with the Slavic menace that threatens American civilization, apple pie and mothers.

Here a cartoon depiction of Hillary Clinton being saved from Comey by Huma Abedin in drag

"While my enemies continue to waste America's time discussing why I destroyed nearly 50% of my email correspondence when people asked to look at them, which were supposed to be archived by NARA to allow the government, NGO's, journalists and historian to piece together the thoughts and ideas of the people steering this great nation, since anything that might embarrass me is obviously personal, and anyone who says differently,or tries to bring this up again, will be arrested and or dead within the hour, and is probably a communist, Putin collaborator, and a rapist to boot"

Hillary Rodham Clinton said at a town hall gathering in Hannibal Indiana, adding that Comey had been suspected of treason by the Clinton's for, literally, hours, and they couldn't rule out that he might also be a child murderer and worship foreign gods your fore fathers did not know.

Despite Communist's antipathy to religion, according to one democratic operative Comey is a polytheist, who primarily worships the Slavic god of war and the heavens, Perun

Besides the firm and unshakable belief that all of America's woes are some how connected to Putin's Russia, including a FBI director who had clearly gone rogue, which is Clinton's term for people who are fair, impartial, and refuse to play her games, is the fact that they have been unwilling to tie recent DNC hacks on a secret Trump-Russian alliance, which Clinton is clearly not paranoid for thinking exists on the most tangential of proof, in fact, far less proof than the fact that her husband is a rapist and she enabled his monstrous behavior.

Watch Mario Batali take a @#$% on your values

Auto-erotic asphyxiation with charcuterie is just one of the many ways the deviant chef can reach sexual climax

While the 56 year old chef, author, restaurateur and goblin king, with his signature fleece vest, orange crocks, shorts, taking a modern twist on classical Italian dishes and giant purple chindo he wears to children's parties, he has also been quietly been making a name for himself as a deviant Satan worshiper whose "predatory attitudes make him a danger and an affront to society, but, oh, what that man can do with a duck, after he's done @#$%ing it to death of course" said a clearly conflicted Chef Marco White.

Here the Gladware shill and heroin addict can be seen drunkenly raising the spirits of the dead to the horror of a captive audience, who were then locked in and burned as a sacrifice

In addition to his many crimes against decency, both common and basic, he seeks to steal from his employees, and rapes their wives when he knows they are away at work.

Hurricane Matthews may have released Floridians into the wild

If you cut an adult Floridian in half, they will grow into two compete Floridians

U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service has cautioned Americans that Floridians, once isolated in America's most phallic state, might have been released into the wild and have already begun breeding outside of their natural range, or as one especially tenacious couple did, throughout the hurricane, eventually washing up in Galveston, where the female promptly spewed forth a full litter of 6-8 hydrapods, that, with the help of the moon, the tide, and government welfare, will grow into 350 pound specimens capable of eating their weight in shrimp at a single buffet, and capable of believing they can wrestle a fully grown crocodile. After Burmese pythons and lion fish were released into North American Eco systems after hurricane Andrew, ecologists warn that a full blown Floridian infestation in the Midwest, New England, or frankly, anywhere outside of the deep south, would come into conflict with local populations, with the aggressive and barely clad Floridians pushing out their more appropriate competition, and could supplant the local population in as few as 50 years, that is, unless they fail to adapt to cold winters, continuing to wear bathing suits and halter tops no matter the weather, in which case they will freeze to death, and that will be that.